Mixed Emotions

What a night. That's the first thing that comes to mind when trying to describe tonight. Overall, it was a good night. Great. Amazing. Still, I can't help but feel a swarm of varied emotions related to tonight's events. Before I can really explain tonight, it's important that you understand a little back story.

Everyone, at some point or another, experiences meeting someone that instantly catches your attention. Whether it's by what they do or say, or perhaps even by what they don't do or say, you know this is not only someone you'd like to get to know, but that you two would be great together. And every time you talk to them, this feeling just gets stronger and stronger. I met this person during the Summer of 2008. At the time, we didn't really talk to each other. We might exchange a few words during class relating to what we were studying, but that's about it. However, I was drawn to her and knew I wanted to get to know her. When I caught word that she would be moving to attend school out of the state, something in me clicked and I decided to ask her out while I still had the chance. I caught up to her after class one day and asked, only to be told that she had a boyfriend. We went out separate ways after that, the quarter ended a few weeks later, and she moved away.

Jump to a year later, Fall 2009, and the beginning of a new quarter. I'm walking the halls when who should I see? Her. I find out she's moved back, and with her my chance to really get to know her. In fact, turns out we have class together this quarter. Unfortunately, I don't really take advantage of this fact. Sure, I talk to her during class a bit more than I have in past classes we had together, I but I don't know if she remembers that I asked her out. I'm kind of embarrassed by that fact, so I mostly keep to myself.

About half way through the quarter, we are sitting next to each other and I overhear her talking to a fellow classmate about a Christmas party she and her sister are hosting. Then out of the blue, she turns to me and invites me. I'm floored. I wasn't close enough where she felt like she had to invite me because she knew I could hear; this was a genuine invitation. Any uncertainties I had over how she felt about me asking her out last year were out the window. Clearly, it didn't affect her perception of me, because she was inviting me to a party; like normal friends.

And with that, that's exactly what we became: friends. Her, her sister, my best friend and I have gone out multiple times - to parties, night clubs, art shows - and we've all become good friends. However, with each time we talk or hang out, my feelings for her grow stronger. I've been able to keep them in control so that they don't affect me, especially since I know she's still with her boyfriend; something I choose to put out of mind when we hang out. He lives out of state, and I don't need his shadow looming over us when we hang out.

However, that is a luxury I can no longer afford, because earlier this week he moved back to Sacramento, and last night, at a party hosted by the sisters, I met him. It wasn't awkward or uncomfortable at all. We simply shook hands, and that was it. He left early on into the night, so his presence didn't really affect anything, but just because it didn't affect last night doesn't mean it can't affect something in the future. I fully understand that my friend has a boyfriend, and as such nothing can happen between us, so that isn't the issue. My concern is that over the last few months, we have become good friends, and I don't want her boyfriend to somehow affect the friendship dynamic; not just between her & I, but also including the dynamic that includes her sister and my best friend.

Maybe that's selfish of me, but as I'm laying here in bed, after a really fun night with lots of friends from school, I can't help but feel that some of those emotions that I've kept in control this whole time are starting to escape. It was one thing when I knew he existed, but was out of the picture; it's an entirely different situation when he's right in front of me and I have to hear about him every time I talk to her.