My Fear

Today, three local game studios came to visit and meet with students from the Media Arts & Animation and Game Art & Design programs. It was primarily a meet and greet, but we also had the chance to bring in our portfolios and have the studio representatives take a look. I initially wasn't going to bring any form of portfolio, as I don't think any of my schoolwork is up to portfolio standards, but I figured late last night it's better to bring something than nothing at all.

So, I was up all night working on throwing a simple portfolio together. At the end of my troubles, I have eight pages to show for it; none of which I'm truly happy with. Oh well. I'll be sure to get a respectable portfolio together for next time.

The three studios came and each gave a little presentation on who they are, what they do, and what they hope to do in the future. As all of the studios are in Sacramento, none of them are big at all. In fact, the largest company had 20 employees; the smallest had three. Still, they it nice to hear their stories of how they started, and even some of their past failures at launching a company. It gave me, and the other students, a good perspective on how hard our future career paths can be sometimes.

When it came time to show the studios our portfolios, I was very reluctant at first. I wasn't confident at all with what I brought, and to honest, I just thought it'd be a waste of time. However, my academic director convinced me that no matter how bad I might think it was, it'd be better to show them something than nothing at all. So, I sat down with all the students that had portfolios; lined up like prostitutes and a ranch, hoping a client will like what he sees.

It was at that moment that my fears of failure really came down on me. I saw what some of the other students had to show, and they were good. I was nowhere near their level of talent. I remember asking myself, "What am I doing here?" I've spent the last two years at school, but I don't think I'm anywhere close to where I need to be to make it out there in the "real world". What if I leave here, a year from now, and I can't make it anywhere? This isn't some pity party where I want everyone to tell me, "No, it'll be alright. You have talent. You'll make it." Blah blah blah...

No, I'm very much a realist. I know I have talents. I know that if I can just get to where I want to be, I'll be great. Unfortunately, no one is going to be able to see those talents unless I get my foot in the door, and that's what I'm worried about. I don't think I'll be able to get my foot in the door I want. I know I'll be able to do something, but I fear it won't be what I want.

In a sense, I see that as failure. Not doing what I set out to do, because I couldn't make it, is failure in my eyes, and that scares me. I still have a year to prove myself wrong, so here's hoping.